Mastering the Art of the Question with Your Teenager

October 24, 2024•4 min read

“Teenagers are a work in progress, but so are parents.” – Barbara Coloroso

Have you ever asked your teen about their day only to be met with a one-word answer?

We’ve all been there.

But what if I told you that asking the right questions could not only spark meaningful conversations but also significantly enhance your teen’s English skills?

Welcome to the art of questioning – where the right query can transform a simple chat into an enriching learning experience!

At this point, you might be wondering who I am and why my first post on this page would be about parents communicating with their teenage children.

Reflecting back on my 35+ years in education, I’ve spent much of my life’s work around teenagers. Over time, I have discovered the teenage years to be a time of…

Words: Confusion, Wonder, Emotional Ups and Downs, Discovery, Self-Reflection

Oftentimes, a teenager needs a question from an adult that helps them “unpack” the myriad of emotions and reactions in their everyday lives.

I have three children of my own who have grown into healthy adults. I did not always ask the right questions. Just as you might have experienced, my own children answered me with one word, grunts and grumbles, and incredulous stares.

Nevertheless, when I “upped my Questioning Game,” I began to experience the reciprocal nature of a conversation with my teen children.

Here are some specific types of questioning strategies you might attempt to use with the teenager living in your home—

1. Be specific #1

Ask your teenager to tell you about the worst thing that happened to them on that day. Sometimes, it’s just what they need to get something off their chest.

2. Be specific #2

Ask your teen to tell you about the best thing that happened to them on that day. This is a simple strategy to help your teenager to find the positive in their day.

3. Use a rating or a scale

Ask your teenager how they would rate their day or their week on a scale of 1 through 10. Oftentimes, this is a non-confrontational way to get your teen to tell you more details about their day or their week.

Will these strategies always work? Absolutely not. I encourage you not to give up—keep trying, and you will “crack the code” to unlock those rich, eye-opening, and, sometimes, startling conversations with your teen.

I don’t want to close this post on a negative note. Nonetheless, it’s also important to remember what we as parents should not do when trying to engage in conversation with our teen. Here are a couple things for you to consider:

1. Refrain from lecturing

If your teen is having a tough time, lecturing them can often drive them further away. It’s difficult not to do this, believe me. Take a deep breath, walk out of the room if you must, and try to reopen the conversation with your teen later.

2. Q-TIP

You might wonder what this handy little cotton swab has to do with parenting—it doesn’t. But Q-TIP is a great mnemonic to remember this phrase—

Quit Taking It Personally!

Again, this one is not easy either. After all, we are human, and parents have emotions as well.

If your teen is angry or hurt at someone or something outside of the home, it’s not uncommon for them to lash out at people with whom they feel most comfortable.

Of course, this behavior should not get a “green light” where they are allowed to do this every time they are upset.

At this point, you, as the parent, might need to be a quiet detective. You may try using one or all of the questioning strategies to discover the cause of your teen’s lashing out.

Eventually, if you and your teen have a trusting relationship, they will probably confide in you. In the meantime...

Do your best to Q-TIP!

As always, I would love to read in the comments how your have encouraged more active conversations with your teenager.

Also, feel free to ask questions as they arise. After all, teenagers do not come with a “user manual”--- it’s helpful to join a community of parents who are experiencing the joys and tribulations of raising teenagers!